this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
