I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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