Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
