Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
