I bet he comes in French.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
