hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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