I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
