I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
