I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
