I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
