i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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