I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
