Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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