Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we're making bets on your personal life
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
