There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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