You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
