"it" just moved
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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