So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
