I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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