he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
