he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
