I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
