well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
