Please, let me fuck your mom
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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