They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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