Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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