Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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