Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
