Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
