Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
