This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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