I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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