So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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