Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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