mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
