Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
