The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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