At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
