I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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