I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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