I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
