The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
