i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
