His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
