Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
