Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
