its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
