Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
