Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
