OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
