either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
