I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
then he tried to convert me to islam
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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