I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
