My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
