She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
