If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize