he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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