When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
